Lock, stock and two smoking BIROS

Online Sun/June 25, 2004

Guy Ritchie shot to fame as the writer and director behind super-cool Brit gangster movies Snatch and Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels.

But I doubt his latest scribblings will get such rave reviews - he's penning a novel about mystical religion Kabbalah.

The book has a working title of Callaway and is based on a spiritual trip Guy took to Israel last year with wife Madonna.

And I've a feeling it could be even worse than their woeful film Swept Away.

In the book, the main character follows a path to enlightenment through the teachings of Kabbalah.

Guy hopes to publish it next summer, coinciding with the launch of Madonna's Kabbalah-based kiddies' books.

I really despair.

Gone are the days when Guy was at the forefront of British cinema.

His career has been on a downward spiral since the abysmal Swept Away which starred Madge - and this looks like another stinker.

It seems the wannabe hardman has lost his bottle since he married Madonna and Kabbalah crept into his life.

I seriously doubt there will be queues outside bookshops to delve into the mystery behind the cult's red wristbands and white tracksuits.

An insider said: "Guy has taken to Kabbalah just as much as his wife.

"The book is his effort at telling people about the scientific side to Kabbalah teachings and how it changed his life for the better.

"Madonna has been giving him pointers on his writing style and she is helping him research the content.

"She reckons the book is smart and hilarious at times. But other friends are concerned this obsession with Kabbalah is going too far."

Too far? The pair have now taken on another FOUR advisers to join them on Madonna's Re-Invention Tour.

Well, here's my advice: please stop this Kablahblahblahblah stuff now - it's getting boring.