"Fighting for all I loved"

March 19, 1999
By one wife with an inquisitive mind

Any group that encouraged a man to shut his wife out, keep secrets from her, and spend time away fromher was a VERY bad thing to be a part of. I grew up in the age of cults ("Moonies" and Jim Jones). [In my opinion] Sterling Institute of Relationship [seems to be] …a cult with a very rich leader. At $600.00 per person and a couple of hundred attendees [=$120,000.00] this man is making money hand over fist.

My husband went to the "Men's Weekend" this past January because his former employer told him that the weekend would help him grow to be a better man and husband. So, he went. Before he left I told him of my very serious concerns about this group and that while he was away to remember that we have come through terrible things together and there is so much more out there for us. My parting words for him were: "As long as we are together, we can conquer anything." And with those words, he was out the door (atfour in the morning). Later I listened to the leaders/sponsors tell the men who arrived late to do twenty-five push-ups, while the group counted out loud.

It was that morning that I started searching on the Internet to find information on this group and then I found your Web site.

My husband called me during their first break on Saturday night. Needless to say, we argued about this whole thing. We hung up and then ten minutes later, he called back. He was at payphone five blocks from the group. He told me this was for him and that it was important I let him try this out. I told him that when he came home to be prepared for a long question and answer session. I wanted to know what was going on, what he was learning, and how he thought it would impact our lives.

He then called me late Sunday night from a payphone many blocks away. I again voiced my concerns and fears. He promised me that he would answer all my questions when he returned home "some time" Monday. When I got home there was a note from my husband telling me about being in touch with his feelings and realizing I am the woman for him. He now says these are things he already knew, the weekend just reminded him.

He woke up four hours later. I instantly knew something was different. He looked like a "Stepford Wife". He started telling me the story of his weekend. We talked for five hours. He told me that Sterling claimed to have all these degrees (sociology, anthropology, and psychology) and since I am an anthropology graduate I was intrigued. When he told me what Sterling told the group about "early man," I told my husband that I was not sure where or when Sterling studied anthropology, but his theories wereoutdated and considered wrong in this field.

My husband then told me about the "point program", which is to teach the group about how to be a better man and trust other men. He said that the program would last seven weeks for about an hour each time. He asked me to try to understand and be supportive. I figured that I could have an open-mind and still be very wary. He also told me that no man in Sterling was allowed to speak to another Sterling man's wife without permission. I told him I am no one's possession and if someone wants to talk to me, then they could talk to me.

He went to two meetings. The first was an hour and a half long and an hour away. The second one was held in the same place but three hours. They ran around, played games, some guys had to do push-ups, all done to bring the group closer and more cohesive. When he returned from the second meeting, he had a cardboard sheet with names on it (he had hidden it in the broom closet and I found it when I needed the broom). Two of the names were that of my father and brother.

I decided that this group was not going to work for me, my marriage, or the rest of my life. I made a conscious effort to remind him daily that this Sterling thing was not working. It was after this meeting he started talking about too many meetings, too much time to devote to this group, and where was this going to fit into his life.

To me, I was fighting for all I loved in this life. I told him that I would not participate in Sterling, that the Sterlingites were not allowed in my home, and that I would take on anyone who thought he would/could come between us. I also told him that of all we have been through, and it has been a lot, Sterling Institute of Relationship would be the death nail in our lives.

There were two events that helped me get my husband out of the group. The first was he saw the notes I had jotted down from your page (Sterling's arrest, name changes, and his failed marriage). The second was that I told him that I did not want this group in my life anymore and if he felt that this group was for him, then I was not.

Since then, he has left the group. For the past two months, we still talk about the group. I figure the best way to draw out the man I married is to encourage him to come back to me. Recently, he referred to Sterling Institute of Relationship (SIR) as a "cult". I am so proud to have the strong, inquisitive, and challenging man I married back.

It has been hard for him. He has lost some friends. But he sees the group for what it is. Lies, half-truths, and manipulation. There are many Sterlingites that live in our building, but they have not questioned himnor bothered him.

Last week, there was a group of them parked in front of our parking spaces. I informed them that we lived there and we would appreciate it if they would not park there. One man came to me to challenge me. I told him "respect my space as I respect yours." I told my husband about my encounter and he wanted to know why I did not push it. I told him I was concerned for his feelings, he told me "let loose on them. Let them know that you refuse to take their intimidation."

I am fortunate that my husband knows that I am a person with an inquisitive mind and realized that I would not be satisfied unless he answered my questions about the weekend, Sterling's mission, and the whole group mentality.

Your page has given me so much confidence to push forward and save my marriage. Thank you. You have been a lighthouse in my storm. Please keep releasing information.