"I just don't understand"

"How [can] any woman…be a "manager" of the relationship when the guy is never even home and…doesn't talk?"

August 1999
By a woman affected by Sterling

I have been dating the same man for some time. The first year of our dating, he was very attentive, caring, loving and was concerned about whatever I was going through. I have a very high stress job and needed his support.

I fell deeply in love with this man. He told me when we first started dating that he was involved with a group called "Sterling." His young boy at that time warned me about the group. He said they took showers together and sang songs as a "consequence."

As time passed, this man has become so involved with Sterling that he is NEVER home and when he is home--he's on the phone for hours [with other members of the group]!

I just don't understand how any woman is supposed to be a "manager" of the relationship when the guy is never even home and when he is--doesn't talk.

Instead, it seems to me the man I love just kisses the guys asses in Sterling and does whatever they ask. He will make sure he's there for them, but if his family needs something--he yells and says he's too tired to do whatever.

He is constantly doing things for the "men" and yet we're (i.e. the women) supposed to manage the relationship? How do you manage a relationship when the other person is not even around?

His attitude has changed. Now when I need to talk to him about something going on or I need his support, his reaction is--"what problem do you have now?"

Breaking up with this man is not an option as children are now involved. I just don't know what to do. All this makes me feel very sad and not very cared about. I don't know what Sterling is telling and "teaching" these men. But I am sure that relationships are breaking up and this group often makes women feel like we're nothing. And again, somehow we're still the ones that are supposed to take care and nurture our families.

This is all very sad.