I grew up as an ultra-Orthodox Jew - my kids no longer speak to me after I fled my abusive husband and left the community

Daily Mail, UK/August 22, 2024

By Lillian Gissen

A woman who grew up in Hasidic Jewish community where she was taught her only goal should be to 'bear as many children as possible' has recounted her harrowing escape after she was 'sold' by her own parents to an 'abusive' husband.

Beatrice Weber was raised in an 'ultra-orthodox' Jewish community in Canada, where she was told her 'only goal in life' should be to become a wife and mother.

At age 18, her parents 'sold' her to the grandson of a Rabbi for a 'hefty price,' and he soon became her husband.

Together, they had 10 children - but after years of enduring horrific 'manipulation' and 'abuse,' Beatrice built up the strength to escape.

But her road to freedom would not come easily, as she was forced to battle it out in court with her ex-husband for over a decade in order to gain custody of just some of her children.

To make matters worse, the rabbis in her community completely turned on her - painting her as a 'terrible mother' to the courts while fighting for her ex.

She recently spoke out about the horrific ordeal during an appearance on the Cults to Consciousness podcast.

While chatting to host Shelise Ann Shola, Beatrice described her former husband as a 'very controlling and manipulative person.'

She said 'patriarchal and misogynistic attitudes' were common in her community, and that the women were given a series of 'strict rules' to follow regarding everything from the way they dressed to what they should eat.

'You're taught that you're going to harm men [if you dress provocatively] and that men are predators,' she explained.

'You have to always be the one who's responsible for protecting your body and that feels so scary.

'Like, if I go out sleeveless I thought I was gonna attract all these awful men. That was super hard for me.

'Also, you're told that [non-kosher] food is going to taint your soul and that you can never recover from that.'

In April 2014, Beatrice fled her home with her four youngest kids in the middle of the night and went to live with her brother.

Unfortunately, she explained that she had to leave the older children behind because they already had mindsets like their father.

'I had to take orders of protection out against my two older sons [age 18 and 20] because I was so scared. I was afraid of them, they had been threatening me before I left,' she recalled.

She filed for divorce and requested custody of the younger children - unknowing that she was about to set out on a lengthy battle to free them from her ex-husband's grip.

Beatrice was forced to take him on alone, as her own family ended up taking his side - since involving the court system went against what they were taught in their community.

'It was very clear that if I was going to court this was going to be completely on my own,' she said.

'But I did it and I am so grateful when I think back to those times when I was so alone and so afraid... because I'm so proud of myself that I had the courage to do it anyway.'

After spending all of her money on legal fees, Beatrice said her parents encouraged her to drop the court case and let the rabbis decide.

'I believed that the rabbis would support me because I believed that they knew that he was abusive,' she explained. 'I trusted them.'

But the rabbis took her ex-husband's side, and did everything in their power to ruin her chances of getting custody of her children.

'It was terrible. I can't even describe the manipulation,' she recalled. 'They were like, "We're going to send you to a psychiatrist to evaluate you but it has to be our psychiatrist."

'Eventually, after a year-and-a-half they ruled that my ex-husband should get all the children.'

She said they brought their ruling to the court, in which they described her as a 'terrible mother.'

Beatrice added, 'It painted me like in the worst light possible.'

But she didn't give up, and took her ex-husband back to court, ultimately battling him for over a decade before she was finally given full custody of her youngest kids.

Beatrice explained that while at first she had no plans to leave the community and just wanted to divorce her husband, she said the incident with the rabbis led to her parting ways with the Hasidic community altogether.

'My experience with the rabbis showed me a side to the community that I could not ignore anymore. I could not ignore the corruption and the manipulation,' she continued. 'I could not live with those rules [anymore].

'I was just so angry about the idea that these rabbis that I trusted, who knew me and knew what was going on, they were willing to take all the children away from me. I was just absolutely devastated and angry.'

In 2018, she officially left the community behind and moved to New York City.

'It's an oppressive community that people are stuck in... I am grateful for every single day of my freedom,' she added.

'I'm my own person. I'm not afraid that I'm going to do something wrong get punished or that something bad is going to happen to me.'

Since leaving, Beatrice said she's appreciative of little things she wasn't able to do before - like being able to adopt a pets, wear her hair loose, and take up new hobbies.

But unfortunately, her relationship with some of her older kids is still fractured.

'Some of my kids, I had to block [their numbers] because of the kind of messages they sent me,' she admitted.

'One of my sons got married recently and I went to the wedding, but at the wedding one of my sons started kicking me. They couldn't stand that I was there, it was very, very painful.'

While she said she's now 'processed' everything she went through thanks to therapy, she admitted that she spent years 'blaming herself.'

'For many years I really blamed myself. Like, "Why didn't I leave earlier?" Or, "Why couldn't I have done something different?"' she said.

'But I was in an impossible situation. I was trapped. I realize now, the fact that I was able to leave and able to keep most of the children with me, it's not be taken for granted.'

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