What is it like for a single peson?

December 2000
Written by a former member of over 17 years

What is it like for a single person?

The reader has a good idea already what daily life is like for a single. The big question comes with regard to dating, or "spending time." Relationships between the sexes are managed from the top down in this group. "We don't believe in dating!" is the watchword. Saints may spend time with someone under the guidance of leadership. This is usually done in the company of others. Phone calls to the opposite sex are discouraged unless it is to give information regarding a church event. Phone calls that result in really talking to the opposite sex about things that matter are appropriate only in the advanced stages of a relationship, which should end in marriage.

Typical Geftakys extremism is behind this rationale. Here is the logic: Society today is largely immoral. Divorce is rampant, even among Christians. God does not want you to break someone's heart. So, in reaction to these problems the group has developed some stringent guidelines to prevent all of this. No dating--period. If one takes a fancy to someone, one goes to a leading brother and "runs it by them." They will tell you a few things about the other person and give you the clear impression of whether you should go ahead with the relationship or not. If a promising young brother is interested in a young woman who is not as deeply committed, or who has voiced doubts about the ministry, the relationship will be squelched promptly. If marriage of the parties involved seems to be an asset to the ministry then a green light will be given. All this has resulted in one positive thing. There is almost no premarital sex or sexual contact among the singles in the assembly. This is good.

In some assemblies there are large populations of singles in their late 30's and early 40's, with no hope of getting married unless they settle for someone not of their choosing. Even then the odds are long. Many of these singles have had one or more experiences of being interested in someone and having the relationship quenched by the leadership. In one assembly, fully one third of the marriages were of people who just couldn't wait for or were not willing to get permission and instead ran off to Vegas. This is a shame, especially when one considers that the marriage relationship is to be a picture of Christ and His Church. In this case it was indeed a picture of a church, because it happened with regularity in a particular assembly in the Geftakys ministry.

As for broken hearts, the Geftakys dating method has produced the same number of broken hearts as any other. Because single people don't interact in a normal way, when a man asks a single woman out two or three times, it is tantamount to stating an intention to marry! Everyone knows that this would not occur without the blessing of the leadership, which means that the man is serious enough to talk to his superiors about it. If, after spending time with a sister, a man changes his mind, a broken heart may often result. The difference is there may have only been a lunch and a couple of dinners to produce the same broken heart effect; no immorality was needed to produce a broken heart. The heart was fully engaged because the stakes were high. The overall hypersensitivity created by this extreme approach is amazing. If a member sees a single man and single woman talking in the parking lot for any length of time, there is an immediate assumption that "so and so is interested in so and so."

There is much speculation as to why such a hard line is taken in this area. It is sad to see that the leadership has no confidence that the members are serious about holiness and are able to control themselves. Spirit filled Christians should be able to behave in a godly way without these sort of rules. Others are going to have trouble in spite of them. However, the leaders have been taught that the people will run amok if they are not kept under tight wraps.

There are several reliable, verifiable sources that have related stories about infidelity and other problems in George's marriage. At least one of his sons has had real struggles in a similar area and similar rumors float around about the other son. These are only rumors and should not be taken as the main reason for the perspective on dating, but it does remind one of Reverend Dimsdale's passionate preaching in The Scarlet Letter, by Nathaniel Hawthorne.

A by-product of all this is a rule stating that singles are not to ride in cars, or be in the same house together without a married couple of good standing present. If the married couple is late, then all the men, or women will be out on the porch or front yard waiting until the couple arrives before they can go in the house. This holds even if it is raining. This is allegedly so that the neighbors witness the pure lifestyles of the members. Some members live in apartments too small for several people to come over. Consequently, as is often the case, if several of the older single men are living together, the neighbors will only see men going into the apartment. Instead of thinking that these members are pure, they often think they are gay!